I’ve been spending more time on introspection since last year and learned new things while on this journey through the dark woods. Not just about myself, but about humans and how we work. Or should be working. Or what we need to be the best version of ourselves.
One of those things I’ve always known: Empathy. Empathy is one of my top five strengths which is both good and bad. On a small scale, it’s easy for me to relate to the person across from me. But in this age, with social media at its core (also because I’m disabled and most of my life is spent inside and online), empathy burnout is a real thing. And it’s dangerous.
Last year was a highly stressful year for me for personal reasons. After our trip to Glasgow in August and the second Narratess Indie Sale later that month, I took a step back from social media. I was too overwhelmed by everything going on which led me on this journey of introspection. I needed to understand where it came from and what I could do about it.
I learned that through my empathy I absorbed stress from other people more easily than was healthy. I’ve been working on reducing the absorption, but I don’t want it to take away my ability to understand someone else. Even if I don’t agree with certain opinions, I want to understand their perspective. It’s okay to disagree with someone. It doesn’t automatically make the other party wrong or the villain.
I can be a dog person, but that doesn’t mean I hate cats and want to rid the world of them. I’m allergic and petting one would make me feel worse instead of better. I don’t think cat people are evil degenerates who don’t have any taste whatsoever. Nearly all people in my close circle are cat people. We still get along great.
Empathy.
We can disagree about something and still see where the other party is coming from. Try to understand the circumstances. Listening without the intent to respond. Being open to changing your perspective or widening your view. Instead of immediately saying “You’re wrong!”, ask questions. When you state your opinion, choose your words wisely.
Empathy goes both ways and creates a kinder world with every interaction. It’s possible that you’ll feel vulnerable expressing empathy towards someone new, but you’ll never get to that sweet spot without it. And ultimately, that’s what I want most of all, a kinder world.
This is me being vulnerable and asking for your empathy.
Community
Community is another thing that popped up during my introspective journey, and how much it helps to be a better person. A community can provide support and a safe space, and at the same time hold you accountable if needed. No actions come without consequences, after all.
Having a group of people who will support and respect you can improve your mental health so much. I have friends I can rely on for that support and accountability. I love them dearly and I’d give my life for each one of them. But I know they will call me out when I do something out of line. Then they help me to get back on track.
The bigger the community, the more likely it is you will disagree with someone. And, as said before, that’s okay, if there’s empathy. If there is none, it can end badly. Not just for those disagreeing, but the whole community can be left with a negative vibe, regardless of how it’s resolved.
I’m sure if you’ve been part of the bookish community in the last couple of years, you have seen several cases like this. Incidents between a handful of individuals that affected so many others, leading to feelings of distrust and betrayal.
It affected me as well, probably adding to my feeling of empathy burnout. These incidents made me look closer at the people around me, in my direct community. I have some control about who I interact with and who can interact with me (thank you, Bluesky nuke block), but I have to extend these boundaries to other spaces as well. It’s not just social media. It’s also where I spend my money, who gets my (monetary) support, and who uses my name and brand.
The future of the Narratess Indie Sale
Last year, I already made a statement that I want the Narratess Indie Sale to be inclusive and diverse. I want to highlight people who are usually overlooked through my blog here and through the sale. So when someone asked me for a filter to exclude all the books with LGBTQ+ representation, I declined. That’s not what I stand for.
As much as I want the world to accept everyone for who they are, I can’t change people. What I can do is foster a community to be as inclusive as possible, based on kindness. I love that everyone is unique, weird in their own way. (If you don’t think you’re weird, give it a try. It’s amazing.) And because we all have our own experiences, we write different kinds of books.
There are enough spaces where heteronormative and conservative views are celebrated, even (unintentionally) leaving out women, people of colour, disabled people, or LGBTQ+. I want these marginalized creators to get the spotlight for once, and let the heteronormative/conservative views take a back seat. The conservative and heteronormative books sit next to the books by marginalized authors, or not at all.
What I absolutely don’t want in this community is hostility. This means any expression of hostility against a person within the community or groups of people who are part of this community.
As a disabled woman of colour with lots of queer and trans friends, I know microaggressions like no other. So much so that sometimes those who express the microaggressions aren’t even aware they’re expressing them. Or how hurtful their words are.
If you don’t agree with equal rights for everyone, or if you think certain identities shouldn’t be part of society, this community is not for you. I don’t want to associate with or promote books by people who actively work against equality and acceptance.
When I started the Narratess Indie Sale, it was open to all. We added the ‘no generative AI’ rule because I believe in human creativity and supporting artists of any kind. Now, I’m changing the sale to a curated sale, based on the values described above. I want to promote inclusive, diverse, and AI-free books. Books written by people with empathy and kindness, who accept that others are part of this community and world.
